Tuesday, December 23, 2014

1 Month Into Traveling in Thailand - A Rollercoaster of Emotions

I was planning to blog so much more, and I even have a couple of posts from Bangkok and Chiang Mai describing shit I done and felt, but it just wasn't something I felt right about publishing.
Even the food pics I take here I feel that by posting them I let off the wrong impression of thailand as the fruits in israel taste so much better. And moreover, I didn't feel like writing anything or be involved with anything online cause to be frank? I felt like shit more than half the time. I was planning to vlog as well, most of the time at least, and I didn't have the energy to do so. That made me feel disappointed in myself. I came here to thailand to explore and a big part of my plan was to get my youtube and blog into a more settled routine. That did not happen and when I noticed I was beating myself up for not doing so, it made me feel worse. So I just accepted that fact and went on.
I wanna start in bangkok but lets just go backwards from now. I am now in Pai. Sitting in the kitchen of my guesthouse. A kinda hippie and indian vibe is going around me, and I don't really connect to it, but I feel that that's much better than feeling unrelated to a bunch of seriously happy people being excited about every thing that goes around them and just seek approval from others while not approving of anyone themselves. So even though I don't smoke or drink I actually feel more connected to the people here. I got here 2 days ago, after 2 weeks in Chiang Mai. 

The ride to Pai was horrible. No other way too put it. Its the most curviest rode I've ever witnessed and it took 4 fucking hours. I was mainly afraid of the motion sickness people claim to have on the way here, as you know I have a massive fear of vomiting, and I was delaying going to Pai for that reason only. I was scared I would feel bad during the ride and of course from others feeling bad during the ride. I decided to come here quite spontaneously after debating going to Koh Pangan in the most expensive time of the year. When the taxi arrived to pick me up I immediately knew I'm gonna have problems with the Chinese girl that was already in the cab. She looked in so much pain, I knew shes gonna get carsick. I was constantly looking out for her, if anything happens or if she feels worse, and it happened quite fast.

She vomited into a bag not even halfway, and I was panicking. The fact that I couldn't run away from this thing happening in front of me was excruciating. I was trying to relax and tell myself that this is not about me, it cannot hurt me, and that I am perfectly fine. I gave her an anti vomiting pill, and by the second time she threw up I was almost ok with it, mainly because it was outside the van, and because I accepted the fact  that I'm panicking and that that's ok. Generally, just accepting whatever is going on around me makes things a lot easier. But that very hard to do when you're a control freak. 

So we made it to Pai alive and I found this nice guesthouse, I rented a bungalow, and went to explore around a bit. Pai is beautiful. as all of Thailand, the nature here is overwhelming, and all that shit, but to be frank, I felt so depressed yesterday, I was seriously lying in bed for several hours, not wanting to get up at all. It really came down to the fact that I realized I was not gonna be happy anywhere unless I am genuinely happy within myself.


Cause I kept on going from place to place, thinking that the problem was in the place and not with me, maybe it was just the heat in Bangkok, or the shitty fruits, or the fact  that I was sick, or staying too long in Chiang Mai, or maybe I just need to go to Taiwan and everything will be better than. But thats all a bunch of bullshit isn't it? but its very hard to grasp when you're feeling like hell and feeling that amazing gap between what you thought will be and facing reality is much different.

Being a borderline personality I usually suffer from big expectations that lead to a huge disappointment when those aren't met. And when you travel, everything is so much more intense. Senses are heightened, everything is in large scale. when you feel bad its terrible and when you feel good its fucking amazing. I think that it all went downhill since Bangkok. 

2 major things happened. I was sick, and I was sticking to one person for too long. It made me feel out of control and unable to take care of myself. I was literally shitting myself all day and I was miserable. At the same time I was spending too much time with the same person, and I just needed some time for myself to recuperate and get my shit together. Literally. When I separated from the dude I felt better but then I was still sick and I couldn't get over it, nothing I did made it better and I was trying to have fun anyway, do stuff and explore but in the end I was miserable. 

On my last day in bkk I was so depressed I was just lying on my couchsurfing hosts carpet and just crying and cursing Thailand and just wishing things were different. It was a mixture of things. My sick stomach, a sting I got from an unknown something that made me freak, and getting electrocuted. That minute I decided on taking a night bus to chiang mai. As if the problem was with bangkok....

When I got to chiang mai I felt like I was home. Trees, great weather, I could actually see the sun, less pollution, and much more fruits. But then I had a coconut at a restaurant, and the waitress started throwing up in the kitchen. The despair I felt was incredible. It just blew up my illusion that it was location dependent. I was exhausted from panicking, cause needless to say my panic attacks sky rocketed since I started traveling., so I just accepted my fate, and went to sleep it off. After a night in the crazy night bus it was certainly needed. 

In Chiang Mai I did some couchsurfing at a nice expat from Ireland, and then I slept a Joe's from best transformation big fruity house for a few days. It was a nice experience living with so many fruit bats, but I was thinking about renting a place there until the fruit winter festival, and just the thought of staying in one place for so long made me so depressed I couldn't function.


Since then I switched a couple of places, got tired from Chiang Mai and then fell in-love with it all over again, and decided on going to Pai. Even though I'm still not my best physically and mentally, I accept it completely and I am trying my best to be on the move, take care of myself and trust my instincts. I am very proud of myself and my decisions and I will continue to do my own thing :)



Friday, December 12, 2014

What's in my minimalist backpack, what to bring to a flight as a hclf vegan and more

Hello Maniacs!

Here are a few videos I did on what I'm taking with me as a minimalist for a long term travel experience in asia!
I made a review of my backpack - The Osprey Tempest 40, and showed everything I packed with me here.

In this other video I show you a more detailed version of what's in my minimalist backpack.

Also for us HCLF, raw till 4 vegans I made a video of what to bring to a long flight to not end up starving in a metal box flying in the air in between countries.

so make sure you watch the videos and I'll be coming up with new videos asap.

Friday, November 21, 2014

Important Life Lesson I Learned From A Trip To The Dentist

trying to smile with anesthesia :)
Hey Maniacs!

Only three days to my flight to Thailand and i had to take an unexpected and expensive trip to the dentist yesterday. 2 years ago I had a filling break on my salad and I wasn't keen on going to the dentist at all. in general I hate doctors and i think that the modern medicine is lacking through and through. I despise the feeling of helplessness I get when I'm in pain or sick and especially I hate when I supposedly don't have the knowledge to heal it, and someone else holds it for me and tells me what to do, as if we're not talking about MY body and MY aches.

I had plenty of times in which I took the courage to head over to a doctor, and got a real bad treatment that usually made me more sick or sick in a different way [for example, the endless cycle of antibiotics - candida], accompanied by a really disgusting approach that the doctor treats me as a straight up idiot who cant fend for herself and they obviously know everything about me and my body. 

With the dentist it's a whole other story. not only the dentist sucks big time and cant get a friggin filling to last for two weeks, but the whole procedure is horrible. having someone stick his stinking gloved hands in my mouth makes me feel completely out of control, and my emetophobia [fear of vomiting] also relates to that feeling [as to everything really]. And if that's not enough, I've had dental issues since birth, because my mother had to take some kind of medicine before my birth and it literally messed up my face. the most recurring response I get on my youtube channel is about my teeth, and it was always like that in school when other kids would make fun of my teeth. having my teeth completely fixed was too expensive for my family and i learned to accept that these are my teeth, and that's how its gonna be. But even now I don't smile with teeth when taking pictures.

Somehow over the years  even developed a specific teeth phobia, not dentist phobia, but the fear and extreme aversion  from teeth and everything related. I got to a point where i wasn't able to watch those toothpaste commercial on tv and youtube. the actual thought of teeth and dental procedures was immensely distressing for me.

A few days ago I was enjoying a guava fruit when a damn seed got stuck in my broken filling-cavity thing going around my mouth somewhere, and it took me forever to get it out. in the meanwhile, the seed made my cavity even bigger and got my remaining amalgam filling to drift from my tooth. 
Being a hypochondriac, I started investigating about amalgam filling and started asking in fb groups about doctors who take out amalgam filling in a safe way, cause they contain mercury which is a seriously dangerous metal that definitely shouldn't be in our mouth and  needs to be taken out in a way that we don't absorb and breath it and get cancer and shit.

So after crying a few hours for feeling helpless from the fact that someone else holds the key to my health, and from knowing that i'll have to let someone touch my mouth and drill my skull, I decided to relax the fuck up and just accept it. from the second I had my resolution on, I stopped crying and I somehow detached myself from the person I was imagining having  a dentist appointment the next day. 

Now I'm not saying dissociation is the way to go, I am way too unattached to my overall being and I don't recommend my way of handling things, but this dental experience was different from other experiences I had. I didn't really feel any fear when I first entered the dentists room, I mean, I was scared, but not anxious. does thas make sense? Anyway, the dentist and assistance were so freaking nice! it shocked me even. I was crying and a bit hysteric at first but they really went through everything they did and I felt like I gained my control back. They even played a daddy yankee video for me on to help me feel more comfortable and relaxed. 

I had 2 amalgam fillings replaces to white ones, and I felt so brave and empowered from going through with that, that I went back after a few hours and got another filling done on the other side. 

I am so so so proud of myself for going through with this, and taking care of my body. I'm very happy I don't have mercury in my body anymore and that my teeth condition is good in general. even though i eat 90% carbs haha! but seriously, taking care of ourselves and our bodies is so important! we don't have any other home to live in! and  even though its temporarily,  its our only place and the only thing we truly own. I definitely rather pay more for a better dental experience with a private doctor and not having a disastrous metal in my mouth.

I  must say, that I don't how I will react if I'll need to go to the dentist again, and I don't think that just deciding to relx and go on with things will cure your phobia or whatever, but it's definitely good to face it. I had other fears like water and vomiting and I did actually try to face them head on, but it still didn't work. even after vomiting and after trying to swim for the first time, I'm still very very afraid of it. nevertheless I'm really happy I could have an experience of coping with a fear and getting through with it like a normal person, and not like it was for me with other fears, that weren't getting the reaction I wanted when facing them. Kind of gave me hope that one day I could get rid of all my phobias. No matter what, I'm gonna fight for my right to live a fearless life.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

What I Eat in a Day On a Raw Till 4 High Carb Low Fat Vegan Lifestyle to Stay Energetic and Skinny

Hello Maniacs!

I'm very excited about my new video. I always wanted to do a what I eat in a day video for you guys, but I'm such a lazy mofo, only since I started writing my recipe ebook I got my recipes to look less of a mess. I am a complete slob and nothing in the process of making my food looks aesthetic. but I really wanted to make a video showing what I eat in a typical day, the amounts of food and the calories I eat on this raw till 4, high carb, low fat, vegan lifestyle. especially now because I'll be in Thailand next week and I won't have all the usual fruits that you can get anywhere, and I probably won't be able to cook for myself for awhile.

This is what I ate on Tuesday 11\11\14, which was actually my 26th birthday :)

1 liter of water

Breakfast: Fruit salad

500g crimson grapes = 345 kcal
300g pomegranates = 249 kcal
4 kiwis = 168 kcal
1 cup orange juice = 111 kcal

Total of 873 calories

Lunch: 1 liter green smoothie

7 bananas [3 frozen] = 687 kcal
5 dates = 332 kcal
5 lettuce leaves = 23 kcal
1 cup mint = 17 kcal

Total of 1060 calories

Snack: 3 bananas
Total of 315 calories

Dinner: Crispy potato wedges with guacamole dip 

1 kg potatoes = 770 kcal
0.5 avocado = 160 kcal
1 tomato = 22 kcal
1 spring onion = 4 kcal
lemon juice
1 spoon of chili flakes

Total of 957 calories

 All in all, total of 3205 calories, 54g of protein, 757g of carbs, 26g of fat.
Calorie breakdown = 87/5/7
As you can see I get plenty of protein, it's actually more than 0.8g of protein per kg of my body weight. I also get all the vitamins and mineral I need, and I can be sure they are being absorbed well because I don't eat stuff like salt, caffein, and other things that can harm the assimilation of micronutrients in our bodies.
Even though I eat a lot, I don't get fat and I'm even losing body fat and getting leaner. my energy all day was up the roof, only before my 3 bananas snack I got very hungry and I needed my fix. I wasn't really active that day, went for a slow walk in the mountains and met a dear friend of mine. but nothing I would classify as exercise. when I do exercise I will eat more than this.

This is a very typical day for me. I usually have at least one smoothie cause it make smashing in the calories fairly easy, and my other fruit meal a fruit salad or a mono fruit meal. right now my favorites are persimmons and cherimoya <3 I usually have 2 big meals and 1 small snack and a 500-1000cal dinner like I had today, or on busy days I'll have 2-4 huge fruit meals and a 500-1000cal dinner.

I hope you guys enjoyed seeing what I eat in a day, I'll definitely make more of these videos when I'll binge on tropical fruits in Thailand.

Monday, November 10, 2014

My Experience in the Israeli Rainbow Gathering

Well hello there Maniacs!
The preparations for the flight to Thailand are happening as we speak, but this weekend I took some time off to go to the Israeli Rainbow Gathering.
I was really hoping it'll be an experience like the one's I had in the Midburn community events, but it was completely different. the rainbow is a gathering of people for a whole month in some forest, who try to build a community on peace and love and shit. it's a free event and you get food for free so it has a really nice anti consumerism aspect to it.

I took a few hitchhikers with me on Friday and the ride was very nice and the view was incredible. when we got closer to the gathering we went through my favorite grapes vineyards. I was really excited! We arrived at sundown and couldn't see jack. but we still build our own independent tribe and built our tents together. afterwards we started hearing everyone shout "food circle now". this is a call for the major social event that happens twice a day in the rainbow, where everyone gathers around the main fire and chant and sing and do hippie stuff before the food, and then everyone eats together in a bowl they bring themselves, and have a portion of food being poured like in Oliver twist movies.
as most of you guys know i eat Raw Till 4, so I came prepared with my own fruits and some quinoa and broccoli i precooked at home before heading out. so I had that, and a bit of bread my friend made from whole wheat. 

after dinner, as it was apparently full moon, the full moon celebrations started. basically it was a lot of hippies singing and jamming together around a huge fire. it was really nice. a lot of good vibes and shit, but i felt completely out of place.

the following day was great! i went with my friends for a nice walk in the woods, met a few nice people and got to talk to some hippies. I was supposed to get back on saturday night back home but I felt like I still haven't opened up enough to the experience and got out of my shell, which usually takes me a few days. also I wanted to see how I handle the situation and being alone without the friends i came with and got to know through that time. so i decided to stay another day and see whats up.

my friends left at night and i knew a few people from other festivals but i was still pretty lonely, so i went to help in the kitchen. i met some nice dude and we went to pick some sugar cane next to a vineyard. I must say after trying to eat it, it is not food for humans. really inedible and it made me a bit nauseated as well, so i ultimately ended up having a panic attack in a vineyard in a place i don't know with some dude i don't know. he handled it very well, but i was still feeling crappy so i went to sleep back at my tent when we got back.

the day after, i woke up feeling fine but i was a bit sad. i felt lonely cause i wasn't really opening up to the environment and i am certainly not a hippןe. i have  a huge resistance to new age stuff  and some people i spoke with had this thing that they made me feel like they were a bit condescending.

after wandering around and seeing that most of whoever's left in the gathering were asleep i saw a group of people playing a game and i said to myself: "Henya, this is your chance to open up. Your'e all alone and you can just go, say hi, and sit with them", and so I did. they were friendly and let me read a card as soon as i sat in the circle, but afterwards the very loud girl asked my if I'm not underage or something.

Now this got me a bit worked up, cause I know i look young and everything from being vegan and
fruitarian a long time, but It is non of your interest how old I am. I didn't feel the need to answer her saying I'm actually 26, probably older than she was, but the fact that they give a shit about ages in such a place is a bit silly in my opinion. but than again, most of the "hippies" there weren't even vegan or vegetarian so I don't know why I'm getting all worked up over this.

Seriously, all those people claiming to be spiritual and hippie shit is just ridiculous if they are eating dead food. talking about peace and taking part in most cruel industry ever created that terrorizes billion of innocent beings is absurd. i had conversation with the carnists hippies many times, and every time i get so mad. even the one's that are vegan are saying all the time that we shouldn't bother other people with what their eating, but I wonder how calm and shanti they'd be if it were their sister lying on someone else's plate. it's noteworthy that the rainbow gathering's food is strictly vegan.

anyway, after she asked about my age in such a condescending and disgusting way I went to have some dates and pears in my tent, and I got to a point where i felt like i needed to get the fuck out from this place asap. i picked up all my shit and then a new friend, Kiki, came to see if I was heading out and i went with him, and a few more hitchhikers back to civilization.

on the way I could help myself from stopping to pick some grapes from the vineyards all over us, and I got myself a really nice box of my almost favorite grapes - crimson red. as it is "Shmita" here in Israel, a year in which we don't cultivate or pick fruits commercially just so the land could have some time to regenerate itself, the vines were packed with ripe sweet and beautiful grapes just waiting for me to binge on :) seriously, meeting Kiki and picking grapes were actually the highlights of my rainbow experience, but i was happy to spend some time in nature and with friends, and its absolutely great to try something out and just see that's its not for you, so you don't have to wonder what would it be like if you went and tried it out.

to conclude, I really don't have anything against the rainbow, I had a nice time, but i didn't really connect to the atmosphere there and I preffer Midburn and Burning man events much better. It's not allowed to take pictures there because no electricity is allowed, but I took the liberty to shoot some pics anyway :)

the rainbow gathering in israel 2014

my tent and fruits. I had another box of cherrimoyas, pears and kiwis inside the tent. no need to give up on a fruitarian RT4 or fully raw lifestyle when camping.

the vineyard

hippies in the picking!

doesn't seem like much but my guess is that there's 20kg worth of grapes here

me and Kiki :)

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Asian Studies BA Degree? Sayounara!

Hey Maniacs!!!

I am super excited to tell you guys that above all odds, I made it! I finished 3 years of university!
I went earlier to hand out my last 2 big ass papers, and that is it! 3 years of a lot of mixed emotions have come to an end.

It was a little nostalgic walking around university and thinking about how I was when I first started my studies. Gosh, I was so god damn different. I was trying so hard to conform, to let go of the “crazy” image I had about myself, and I was very excited to start a new thing. I even remember trying to hide most of my tattoos and get rid of a few piercings. Heck, I was “studying” normal people on the post office, on the streets, and tried to imitate them, what they wore, how they acted, their tiny necklaces and ballet flats...

From the beginning I wasn’t going there to get a degree, I was all about learning Japanese, and maybe at the end of uni get a scholarship to japan, but that was the end of my hopes, as I was just healing from a long battle with eating disorders and severe depression. I couldn’t imagine I would become what I am today!
Never would I imagine I’d have a blog, a youtube channel, friends who love me and I love them, and such a different attitude towards life.

At the beginning of my second year, I got so distracted by the need to create, I was really absorbed in my videos and I didn’t want to go on with my studies, but I was too scared to quit cause I feared I might fall back into severe depression and kill myself.
I had the same dilemma as I started the third year... I even made an "I quit University" video back then.
 Looking back, I don't know if I should have quit or not, but considering the last to years of school were absolute hell, I am very proud of myself for sticking to the end.


To tell you the truth I wasn’t sure I was going to make it until a few days ago, where I had the majority of my paper written. I didn’t know whether I’d have the ability to force myself doing something I hate for so long, and it did take its toll on me.

Since last October, I became more depressed than I was in the last few years, and stopped uploading videos frequently. Heck, I probably uploaded 4 videos this last year. I just didn’t have it in me. Part of it was due to when I was in Berlin last year. I was so busy with living life rather than filming them, that a part of vlogging seemed pathetic to me. I also started thinking, why would people wanna see my videos? I am cute, funny and enjoyable, but I don’t really give an added value to give nor do I have a niche that people can relate to. Besides, I was always a bit embarrassed to vlog in public, and talking to a camera in your own room does seem a bit weird when you’re not doing it frequently. There is also the language barrier. Obviously English is not my native language, and even though I can write OK, I pronounce myself much better in Hebrew than in English, and its pretty difficult for me to vlog in English fluently.

I do have some of these thought in my head now, when I actually do plan on going back to vlogging and blogging regularly, I am pretty spooked out and I'm not really sure what should I do. Especially now that I have so many new interests I'd be happy to talk about and that I am leaving Israel to go travel Thailand.

BTW, brace yourselves, cause I have a ONE WAY TICKET to Thailand on the 24th of November!!!

I am even more spooked out about this whole thing. I am actually leaving everything I know to go and explorer a new place and a totally new lifestyle. Remember that on my Midburn post I told you guys I want to create a life for myself that I wouldn’t be depressed to come back to after a festival? So this is me following that plan.

I sold a heck of a lot of the shit I owned, but I'm gonna use these next 2 months to sell all the rest and get ready and say goodbye to the people I love, and get back to a bit of vlogging and I would like to write a raw till 4 recipe ebook, or at least take the pictures as I still have a good camera and computer before getting rid of them.
I can't wait to start backpacking with only a few essentials and start exploring the real things in life, not what a bunch of bozos write in their academic books and not working for a bunch of bozos who get all the profit from the work that I do, and live in the race of purchasing shit I don’t need.

Well, a pretty exciting period is in front of me, I’ll try to keep you guys posted :)


Sunday, August 10, 2014

Minimalist Traveling In Israel

Well hello there Maniacs!
It's about the time I'm almost done with my exams and I have more free time to do my thing, so I though I might as well use it wisely and take a few days to go up to northern Israel and see our beautiful country...
I just came back from 3 days in Golan heights, followed by another unplanned 1 day in tlv and 3 days in dor beach. I wanted to go as minimalistic as I can, to see how I manage and as a small preparation to my trip to Thailand and other frutilicious tropical heavenly countries :)

Since I heard the term minimalism, I got hooked on the idea. I started getting rid of shit clothes I was hoarding for years and other things, but I kept on buying more shit I didnt need nor use, and I still had immense amounts of clutter all over my house, car and life. In the last few months I started to really take my minimalist journey to the next level and really get rid of things I didnt need. I sold so many things and even had a “garage” roof sale with my friends. I will write about it in the future, so stay tuned if you're interested. Anyway, I decluttered my house quite a bit, and really started to take into consideration what I need in life and I would definitely want to experiment with that when I go traveling in asia in the next months. I though I would see how it goes in the trip to the north as well.

Whats in my bag?
1 long leggings
1vegan shorts
2 tanks
4 pairs of undies
1 long hoodie [should've brought something warmer]
flip flops
minimalistic running shoes for hiking
credit card, Bus card and id
some cash [but no wallet! So proud of myself cause I usually go about with a big ass wallet]
key [only the one to my house]
mp3 player
ear plugs
baking soda [to use as shampoo, deodorant and toothpaste. Didn't use it once!]
box of dates and 2.5 kg of peaches.
1.5 liter water bottle

Well, at the first few days I didn’t really mind not changing clothes, and I even washed 1 pair of panties in the shower, but I had worn one tank in a hike an as I was gathering prickly pear or whatever name your country calls this exquisite fruit, I had all the spikes fly with the wind straight to my face, neck and shirt. So I wasn’t wearing it ever since and didn’t even think of washing it with all the spikes stinging me on the way :| so turns out I wore the other tank for a long time and I got really tired of it when I came back o tlv and was about to head out to dor beach. I almost borrowed a friends shirt but at the end I gave up cause I already have too many things and I just starting to give a fuck.

Seriously, when I was out and about, having fun, out in nature and with friends, I really couldn’t care less how I looked. At the beach I wore just a sports bra and panties, and some of the time I was topless, and I was just fine. People didn’t even notice I wasnt wearing a “proper” bathing suite, and if they did? I don’t care. I'm not here to entertain anyone or to look good for someone else.

But enough about material objects. I had a really good time all in all. I was really surprised that the north was this big and beautiful, and had so much nature going around! Just driving through the area you'd see fig trees and prickly pears, and the occasional spring here and there..
but besides that, it was a good experience for me to trust the world and the people and nature in general, to provide me with food, and a place to sleep. Though it didn't really help with saving the battery in my phone...
I have to admit I was a little scared before going, as I didnt know if I took enough things, and I was especially worried about the food. I didn't know where I could get good fruits [as I am doing the raw till 4 lifestyle now], and because the fruit quality these days is so low and not satisfying, and I'm used to knowing what I'm eating and where I'm buying it and how ripe it is. But up north, I managed quite good.

As I got there we went to a supermarket to but some food. The fruit was as expected inedible, so I bought pasta and some pasteurized orange juice. The day after we went to an apple plantation, and picked some nice apples. There was also a plum, grapes and nectarines plantation so I picked some more :) after that we went for a hike in Gilabon wadi, where we saw some more food, and after that we found a big ass fig tree I took the liberty to strip down of edible fruits :)

The day after I wasn't feeling all too well, I was really tired and exhausted, and I rested the whole day. When it was evening I started getting bored and wanted to do something, but I also started feeling choked and cramped up in a far out location and I really wanted to get the hell out. I was staying at a place with only 2 buses a day, and within seconds I made up my mind to pack my shit, get out and look for a bus station, when the bust was about to arrive In ten minutes. Sounds silly and impulsive, but that simple act really helped me feel in control and gain back my self confidence.
Sadly, or not sadly but very tiring, it took me about 6 hours to get to tel aviv, when I was headed for jerusalem. I missed the last bus and I was starving by the time I got to tel aviv. That's the problem with this lifestyle, when you are undercarbed, you start being miserable. I was thinking about food the whole way back! I bought some stir fried rice with no oil and salt in tlv and stayed at a friends house. It is pretty amazing eh? That you could just hop from one place to another, and get by so easily in this world. It was really great to let go of my frick-controlish-part for a bit, and just rely on things to be ok.

After I stayed the night in tlv I was supposed to go back to jlm and pack my bathing suit, get more fruits, a sleeping bag, change my stinkin' clothes and go back to tlv and head out to Dor beach from there, but then I was like... do I really need all this hassle just for a stinking bathing suite? Change of clothes? I can just borrow a sleeping bag from a friend and but fruits anywhere! And I wouldn’t need to carry them all the way from jlm.. besides, if I really wanted to, I could just buy a new swim suite and it would cost me less time and money than going back and forth.. that really put things into perspective. I had a great time in tlv with Ggali my eternal love! And I also arranged to meet a fellow rawtill4-er, Ginat the fruitbat!

After this hot and amazing day in tlv, I went with Ron, a friend I met over at Midburn, to dor beach for a big ass camping thing his friends family organizes every year! It was really amazing to camp out on the beach and chill and do nothing. We arrived at night, and I was soooo tired already, we stayed for a bit in the bonfire and then I went to sleep. The day after I was just chilling, eating fruits, tanning topless, hooping, and on the next day, I did much of the same but started to get to know the people around me better, and feel more comfortable. I also took a long walk on the beach hoping to find new adventures, and even though I didn't meet lots of interesting new people, I did get to a nice little camp that played music and I did my own party on the rocks and danced myself away with the waves..

I guess there's no way around it. It takes me a while to feel comfortable around people and I do get a bit anxious in social situations. That's why I prefer to be by myself and fend for myself whenever necessary. I'm afraid of being judged in a certain way and I try to read the atmosphere a bit before I open up .I probably come up as a shy and quiet person or maybe even an antisocial lone wolf sometimes. I have it a lot easier on one-on-ones.

I was even more worried about the food before we went to the beach. I didnt have a clue what food they're going to have over there, if they'd have any fruits, but since I was already relying on the world for a few days already, I just let it be. Right before we took off I bought some grapes and nectarines, baby corn and dates, and I did finish up all my food before we headed back home, so I ended up eating some bread with tahini. After I got home I was still out of food so I had some rice cakes with tahini and a few veggies. I felt ok when having it, but this morning I woke up with a fever and with pain all over my body. It could be the food but I have a feeling it's that massive sunburn I got that's fucking me up.

I'm happy I got out of my comfort zone and started to experience new things, and I'm grateful not to have my studies in the way all the time. Can't wait to be really over with it.
This little trip really got me interested in living in a moshav or kibbutz for a bit, and I made up my mind to go on a gathering trip again next week, where you walk around in a group for 5 days an eat only what you forage. I was at a foraging trip a few months back, but I feel like this time I could have a better experience.

To sum it up, I had a blast. But it is good to be home, take a nice NOT hot shower for my aching skin, and have a change of clothes.

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